thebetterkp (thebetterkp) wrote,
thebetterkp
thebetterkp

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blah I'm sorry

I'm so sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I would like to say it's because I've been so busy but in all honesty I've just been putting it off. I haven't really been in the mood to talk, to anyone really. I've been feeling really blah all the time. I don't think I'm good enough for anything; the thoughts that have been going through my mind are awful and ridiculous. Some examples of these thoughts are:

"I'm not a good enough singer to be in Chamber singers with these people, they have so much more talent than I do, I shouldn't try out for next year, I'm holding all of them back."

"I'm not a good enough writer to write fan fiction, I'm writing my story really bad and nobody's going to like it"

"I'm not a good enough friend, I'm an awful person and people are only friends with me because they have to be. I hate who I am, who I've become, I've changed so much for the worse."

"I'm not going to make it in college, and that's if I get accepted which is a big toss up anyway"

"People think I'm annoying and don't want to be around me, they invite me places because they feel bad for me"

"I'm really ugly and nasty to people, why else wouldn't I be going out with someone"

I know that some of these comments are ridiculous but it's a feeling in my heart and stomach, a feeling that I can't shake. I don't know what's wrong with me.

: Looks at sky with hands in the air:
Will somebody please tell me what's wrong with me??

Not to mention I have been thinking more and more about getting into the drinking and drugs, maybe people will like me better if I do that, I mean they're all fine and they do it all the time, I could do it just a few times and be ok...I don't think that I would actually have the guts to follow through and i really don't want to start doing them, I'm proud of the fact that I'm drug and alcohol free but I don't know how else to change myself.

Anyway I'm sorry for the angsty update especially since it's been so long and I hope that everyone that reads this is safe and healthy and happy, and everyone that doesn't read this too.
I'll talk later

KP
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